T. Texas Sets Out to Set the TV Announcer Straight

[Occasionally T. Tex knocks one out that no self-respecting editor would rightly (or wrongly) publish.  “T. Texas Sets Out to Set the TV Announcer Straight” is one of them.  Alas, T. Tex isn’t much at writing a song lyric, but I do have to give it to him: those stupid commercials where the lady and gent pose in their her and his bathtubs watching the sunset just plumb make no sense.  If you take a listen to the recording or read through the piece, do note that T. Tex admires 1920s country string band music.  He strongly endorses Gid Tanner and the Skillet Lickers and he righteously admires Riley Puckett’s gitar playing both with Gid and on his own.  And of course nuthin’ beats Uncle Dave Macon, The Dixie Dew Drop, for good ole good timey tunes.]



T. Texas Sets Out to Set the TV Announcer Straight

T. Texas wasn’t the brightest
Brand in the campfire, but he was
Pretty long on horse sense, even
If he was getting long in the tooth.

And watching the Evening News
Night after night after night
After night, the clouds finally
Started to thin away from the moon

As he watched again that
Horseshit scene where the He
And She lay in a brace a bathtubs
Holding hands, and the two

Bathtubs out on some beach,
And then after all that talk about
“If the moment’s right,” some voice
Gently warning “In the event…

Four hours…seek medical,”
Texas at last understood
That ED was not short for Education
Or Edward either and got

His mandolin from the case,
And struck out to set
Things straight with a few verses
Of yodeling blues:

My screw driver
It won’t screw,
My hammer
Is all ham.
Oh, lordy mama,
I’m barely half a man.

Back, when I was young
I could always get ‘er
Now my screw driver
It won’t screw.
Oh, Lordy what am
I agonna do?

I got them erectile

Oh yeah, my timber
Is too limber,
Got them limp dick
There’s no stick
In my stick, erectile

Texas thought that surely beat
The squirrely come-on they
Were using, those half mast
Smiles and sidelong eyes.

Texas thought the pay-off
Could be clearer too, and got
His banjo up on his knee and gave it
His best Uncle Dave Macon:

Oh Grandma, set that timer,
’N draw those double baths,
Cause Grandpa’s got the angle,
Ah it’s back in his dangle
’N he’s a-seein’ blue again.

Yeah, just like old when he was young
Grandpa can get ’er done.
He’s got that angle,
Oh it’s back in his dangle
’N he can get it out and in.

No more hangin’ with the Elks,
He’s done with Lawrence Welk,
Cause Grandpa’s got the angle,
There’s no dangle in his dangle,
And he sure is all man again.

Texas took a sip of his instant
Decaf, knowing he’d done
A good night’s work and shuffled
Through his stack of 78s.

He picked out a good one—his
Favorite Gid Tanner. Gid and the Skillet
Lickers sure could fiddle a lick and
Weren’t no one could pluck it like Riley Puckett.